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Curiosity Killed The Kat

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“Hey, dude.” Jimmy Lightning turned to his friend. “What are you?”

Kat Tut scoffed at his audacity. “What do you mean, ‘what are you?’”

“I meant what I said! Are you a squirrel?”

“No I'm not a squirrel, you tool! I'm a cat!”

“A cat?” Jimmy looked away from Tut for a second, then back. “You can't be a cat.”

“How could I possibly not?”

“Your fur and its patterns, as well as your goofy eyes? You look nothing like a cat.”

“Look at my ears! They're triangles!” Shouted Kat Tut. “My name literally has ‘kat’ on it!”

“That's just a name,” Jimmy told him. “Do I look like lightning to you?”

“You chose that name; that's different.”

“You don't know that.”

“I'm pretty sure I do.”

Jimmy had no response to that, so they both fell silent.

“You don't even know what I am, do you?”

“Huh? Of course I do,” Kat Tut assured. “You look exactly like a beaver is supposed to.”

“I'm not a beaver.”


“Not a beaver.”

Kat Tut grew speechless. How could he not be a beaver? Did he know nothing about his friend?

“Then what the hell are you?”


“A… Hamster?”


“A squirrel?”

“That would be funny.”

“A guinea pig?”

“Okay, now you're just saying random rodents.”

“Just tell me the answer!”

“A gopher.”


“I'm a gopher, Tut.”

“A… Gopher?” Kat Tut barely had the energy to stand up at that point. “What even is a gopher?”

“Well I am one, if that tells you anything.”

“Nothing. That tells me nothing, Jimmy.” Kat Tut turned away from him, and began staring at the trees in the forest they sat in. “I’ve had more questions today than I’ve ever had answers.”

“Here,” said Jimmy, handing a chestnut to his friend. “Take it.”

Taking the gift first and asking questions later, he said, “Why? Why a nut?”

“It’s good for you.”

“For your information, gopher,” said Kat Tut, and threw the nut back at Jimmy, “I am still not a squirrel.”

“More for me, then.”

Kat Tut stared at Jimmy Lightning. He looked at the clouds, lying against a tree, with his arms behind his back. Tut hadn’t ever seen that gopher look worried about anything. It’s like he had just three thoughts in his mind at all times.

“Hey Jimmy,” said Kat Tut, this time with no confrontational intent. “Wanna go out for some dinner? I’d love for you to get me something my stomach is actually made for.”

“Sure,” said Jimmy. “That sounds just rectangular.”